Anyways, this weeks experience. Thursday night we had a long service project that lasted till about 4:30 in the afternoon, but we didn't get home till 5. I wasn't feeling great and to top it all off, I have a new companion that I have to show around and get up to speed pretty quickly (btw his name is Elder Megargel). So I suck up whatever I'm feeling, say a quick one to the Lord and bounce the house. We hit the streets pretty well, and right off the bat getting some resistant people. About an 1 1/2 hours later, I'm tired, irritated with the people of 춘천 and I want to smash someone in the face with the commandments so that they understand that their Pastor smoking and drinking does not mean its ok. So I suggest we go home. I was not feeling ok to be out. We get home, I am not really excited about our area, and not really talking well about the prospects of finding people here. I was doubting whether or not the lord could do his work. And if he could, why didn't we have any investigators???? I was seriously doubting. So I went to bed like this, angry, upset, everything. As soon as I knelt to pray, he was speaking. He didn't have much to say, but what he said was deep, and it cut me deeper:
"If I want fish, I can get fish. What I need are disciples, and I need them forever."
You know that part of the gospel where we believe that God is our loving heavenly father, and also that he knows us perfectly. Yeah, he knows me well. And he didn't say anything else. I sat quietly on my bed for a couple of minutes, wrote it down. Went to bed. I was torn apart.
The next morning I woke up, started studying. I had a deep impression to read my patriarchal blessing. sometimes I wonder if it is a blessing because I look at it sometimes and see more negative than positive, but I know it is for my good. Anyways started reading it and I came to that part that I always didn't like to read, shortly it goes like this: Don't prequalify anyone, your just here to plant seeds. Not something every missionary wants to hear. But I was ready I guess. I decided to read the talk that the voice in my head told me, it was from October 2012 General Conference Elder Holland. And the lord had a little more to say to me.
He asked me if I loved him
I said, "Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee."
He asked again, do you love me?
I responded "Yea lord; thou knowest that I love thee"
so he finally asked again "Benny, do you love me?"
"Yea lord; thou knowest that I love thee"...........
“Then Benny, why are you here?Why are we back on this same shore, by these same nets, having this same conversation? Wasn’t it obvious then and isn’t it obvious now that if I want fish, I can get fish? What I need, Peter, are disciples and I need them forever. I need someone to feed my sheep and save my lambs. I need someone to preach my gospel and defend my faith. I need someone who loves me, truly, truly loves me, and loves what our Father in Heaven has commissioned me to do. Ours is not a feeble message.It is not a fleeting task. It is not hapless; it is not hopeless; it is not to be consigned to the ash heap of history. It is the work of Almighty God, and it is to change the world. So, Benny, for the second and presumably the last time, I am asking you to leave all this and to go teach and testify, labor and serve loyally until the day in which they will do to you exactly what they did to me.”
I could not describe the hurt I felt, for not realizing that he was with me the entire time. This is for me. Missions are for the missionaries. Every member can do missionary work, he can get his own fish. He wants us, ME. He wants someone who isn't going to deny him, who will do everything he asks, when he asks it.
Even now I can feel the power of this. I know what I need to do to "Sprint to the end of my mission" I am ready. Heck
I AM A DISCIPLE OF JESUS CHRIST THE SON OF GOD, I HAVE BEEN CALLED OF HIM TO DECLARE HIS WORD AMONG HIS PEOPLE, THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE EVERLASTING LIFE. THATS IT, NO IFS ANDS OR BUTTS ABOUT IT.
So to everyone out there reading this, it's not about baptisms, it's not about how many people you talk to, it's about becoming the man or woman the Lord needs you to become. I know this is true, and I know that this is what is happening. See you next week
Love you
Benny
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